Hittin’ Milestones in the Middle of a Global Pandemic

Milestones are shaping. The way we handle times of stress, change, and trials is what often defines and molds us into the people we are.

How have you been shaped during this time of confusion and change in our world?

I have hit a huge milestone in the past couple of months as the world has stopped- I have finally graduated college. Three years of growing and learning have come to an end for this season. No more pop quizzes and pre-labs to complete. The simple fact that I am finished with my bachelors degree is still pretty hard to comprehend after spending the last three years with this degree as my next big milestone in life.

It has been difficult, to say the least, to finish up during a pandemic.

Some questions I have been asking myself the past couple of months:

How do I navigate this time?

• How do I navigate all of my science classes, including labs, now online? Will this affect my final grades?
• Once I finish all of my classes, how do I start going out and meeting people to connect and network now that there are distancing regulations?
• Am I going to be able to support myself financially without a career already in place, as I transition from living as a college student to a young working professional?
• How is this going to effect any future logistic plans? Ie. moving, job searches, relationship progress, etc

How is this going to emotionally and spiritually effect me?

• How is my mental and emotional health being affected by this time now that even more in my near future is unsteady?
• How am I going to learn new ways to share the gospel and serve people around me?
• How am I going to need to change in order to keep up accountability partner relationships?
• As someone who struggles asking people for help and whose main love language is physical touch, how do I learn how to ask for help if I am not seeing people in person weekly?

These are some of just the first thoughts I had as the pandemic began. You can imagine how many more I have had since March.

Hitting milestones in life, are already a big deal. Milestones are thrilling and encouraging, but they can also be intimidating. I have certainly felt all of these emotions, and some I didn’t even know I could feel.

Mental health has become a major priority. It has been so difficult to work on my spiritual life in a way I had not experienced before. There have been many times where I have had to battle self-doubt, and the urge to isolate myself and not share my struggles with the people who I know love me and will help me through this.

Hitting a milestone like graduating while I can’t see the people who mean the most to me has been difficult, and there are millions of people feeling the same way right now. We are not alone.

Reader, it is alright if your new schedule looks different from your last. God promises that each season in our lives will look different.

Receive this season as His. It is okay to not flourish during this time, friend. Walk in this season with encouragement that this is Gods’ season and if you allow, God will use it to bring you closer to Him.

I am so thankful that I have a community who has sought me and a God who I know has been with me.

With love,

Mattie

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How have you felt this season effect you mentally or spiritually?

Are You Holding Your Man to a High Enough Standard?

Hi readers!  How has social distancing been treating you?

During this time of solitude, I have found myself musing over relationship roles.

Ladies, how many times have you looked at a friend with her new boyfriend that you don’t know very well and felt obligated or excited to encourage the relationship because of how cute they look together?  Have you ever encouraged her for having a cute relationship, before discerning whether or not the relationship is built on concrete, instead of sand?  

I know I have done so to many friends, and while encouragement and positivity are a great way to be a loyal friend, so is honesty and depth.    

I have two challenges for you today ladies.

The first challenge, for my fellow sisters in Christ, is to hold the men in your lives to a higher standard. 

I have been affirmed in the past half a year while dating my wonderful boyfriend, that it is indeed worth it to wait for a man who is focused on God, our father. A biblical minded, kingdom seeking man.  

We ought to be working every day on kingdom-building, seeking time in the word, seeking a healthy prayer and community life, and learning how to be a servant.  My prayer for you is that your future husband is doing the same wherever he is and the same standards you hold yourself to, you are observing in anyone you seek to court. 

We are a broken race, saved only by the blood of Jesus Christ.  So naturally, we must extend grace and not expect a perfect man- just as they should not expect us to be a perfect woman.  However, we should be holding our men to a high standard.  Being a Christian and asking you on a date in person is not enough if you are dating to marry.    

I urge you to look for the man so involved in a community that you see him being vulnerable and confronting his sins, serving those around him, and deepening his knowledge of scripture.  Look for a man who holds himself to high standards.  Look for a man that is so filled with the holy spirit that peace, love, respect, and generosity flows from him.  

Seek a man that is working on being first a solid man of God and second a man whose heart is aligned with a biblical understanding of the roles of a husband and wife.  

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Ephesians 5:25-33

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,

27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,

30 because we are members of his body.

31“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

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Above is Ephesians 5:23-33.  While this passage is specifically speaking to husbands and wives, it is important to notice what traits men are called to embody.  Pay attention to these traits, ladies!  Hold your men to this standard.

My second challenge, sisters, is to support one another as we learn how to navigate relationships. 

Most of us don’t know what we are doing. Luckily, there are people around us who have already walked through whatever season you are in. 

I know one place where I do not want to have anything hidden from the people around me, and that is in my dating relationship.  

I encourage you to share what is going on in your relationships with trusted people in your lives.  Have a mentor who can help you with hard questions/conversations that you are tackling in your relationship.  

We can’t work on our relationships with the Lord and seek to embody the woman from Proverbs 31, but then not have high expectations for a man who is seeking a biblical relationship. 

I am not discouraging friendly support and fun talk about how cute a couple might be.  I tell some of my friends who are in relationships all of the time that they look adorable with their boyfriends.  However, we also need to look out for our sisters on a deeper level as well.

I know it is so much easier to sit down with a girlfriend and get giddy and excited about the new guy who has been seeking her. 

What is harder, yet often so much more loving, is to ask the hard questions.  Ask if he is seeking purity, and doing so openly and vocally.  Ask your girlfriend how she has seen him be a leader in their relationship.  Ask how they have handled any conflict resolution.  Ask how they have been communicating and if they have a person or another couple who is walking in their relationship with them.

Let’s do our best to encourage relationships that are glorifying and seeking God, friends!  

Have tough conversations with your sisters and hold them accountable in seeking a Godly man.

With love,

Mattie

 

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What do you think ladies, is it more loving to ask deeper questions to keep your girlfriends accountable?

Men, do you agree and are you looking for a woman who will hold you accountable in putting God first in your relationships?

 

More on relationships:

Dating: The Unnatural Living State Between Family and Marriage

The Stages of Dating: Data Collecting

 

 

 

Dating: The Unnatural Living State Between Family and Marriage

Last week, I sat down with a friend of mine as we talked about dating.  She is going through the process of casually dating people, and I am in a serious relationship, but not too long ago I was in her position.  As we talked about the frustration of dating and the awkward state that comes in the time between living with one’s family and marriage, we began to think more about how as humans we are not designed to live in the in-between.  Specifically between friendship with the opposite sex and marriage. 

That brought up thoughts of a recent conversation I had with my best friend.  We were on the conversation of sexual feelings within a dating relationship. We talked about how difficult it is to deal with and understand our feelings when people don’t want to talk about the hard topics- like learning how to understand sexual attraction to someone you are dating.  Yeah, that’s right, I am sexually attracted to the person I am dating. And guess what, that is biblical! If you want to know more about how that is biblical and understanding what the bible has to say about sex, listen to these podcasts by Denton Bible Church. Trust me, they are amazing and very biblically sound.  Fair warning, these podcasts are not for younger ears.  

Click here for the podcasts.

We gawked at the new age idea of dating being the new marriage.  People, for some reason, think that dating is a natural state and is okay to be in for a long period of time.  It really isn’t! We are naturally made to give ourselves over completely in a multitude of different ways in our lives.  Over all else, to God. Then to our community and family, and one day to our future spouse.  

When God has destined someone to be the person you marry, it is good to feel like you want to have a self-sacrificial love for this person.  In every way, including sexually. So, that is why it is so hard to stop at “first base” and then second and so on. We are not meant to! We are meant to experience the gift of sex within a healthy marriage.

A biblical understanding of marriage is why my friend and I were so frustrated in our conversation about dating.  We both were acknowledging the difficulty people our age are having in finding people who are ready to get married and are dating to marry.  Marriage is a beautiful union that God has created as a way to glorify Him through a representation of His love for us through wedlock between a man and a woman.  We both believe that one should not be dating if you are not ready to get married. We are not meant to be in this unhealthy time in between our families and our spouse!  We are meant to be serving, living with, and growing spiritually with our families and this kind of living is meant to be transferred from our families to our spouse.    

There is a reason why so many arranged marriages can often work out so well.  Sex is natural and will come to any relationship that is actively pursuing each other and God first.  Physical intimacy is something we naturally crave as a result of our emotional intimacy. Because of the natural way a man and woman’s bodies react to each other, learning how to develop good relationship practices are more important to develop early in a dating relationship than physical intimacy as a couple leads towards engagement and then marriage.  

In the culture we are in now, we can no longer jump straight into a marriage like people used to.  Honestly, I am grateful for that. But, I still personally believe that one should understand before dating the reality of how fast a relationship can truly progress.  You can go from not knowing if the person you are about to go on your first date with is someone you are intending to marry, to knowing clearly that that person is someone you want to marry.  This could happen in days, weeks, or months if you are listening to God and allowing the Holy Spirit to speak to you with an open heart.  

I have often observed God make it very clear to Christian couples who are deeply in the word and are seeking Christ wholly that they have a blessing from God to get married.  Understand that you may know quickly if you are going to want to marry someone you are dating, and make the decision of whether or not you are ready to date before you get to that point.  I am not insinuating that you will know in the first two weeks of dating, but know you could because it can happen a lot quicker than you think. We are not in control of God’s will.  Thank goodness for that. 

*Disclaimer* There is a lot you should know about someone before seeking marriage with them.  Keep in mind I am writing about this topic envisioning a couple who already knows the most important qualities that should determine a decision regarding marriage and are seeking PLENTY of wise counsel and outside sources to speak into a relationship

Now that I am in a serious relationship, I thoroughly believe that a dating relationship and an engagement should be and can be a lot shorter than most people now preach.  You need to know that the person you want to marry is wholly and actively seeking God.  

Knowing that said person is seeking God, covers all of the major attributes that a Chrisitan should need to know.  You need to know that they are actively involved in a church community that preaches the true gospel. You want to know without a doubt that they are saved and seeking to know more about God every day in their biblical studies.  You want to see them being prayer warriors, selfless, and serving.     

These will determine a successful marriage.  Past that, everything else is just semantics.  Semantics that should be taken into consideration and weighed appropriately.  

A time of waiting, patience, and active intentional dating/engagement are immensely healthy for any Christian couple.  That time is so special and doesn’t need to be rushed.  

Like I wrote earlier, you need to know deeply where this person lies in their relationship with God.  You need a time of waiting for each other and developing healthy relationship habits (ie. healthy conflict resolution, practicing putting God before this person, etc.) 

However, it also doesn’t need to be prolonged. 

Especially if you know your own heart and are someone who struggles with denying physical intimacy.  A physical intimacy weakness within yourself is something that you should challenge yourself to deny for a period of time.  We should challenge ourselves to be able to deny the unhealthy calling of our flesh to be intimate before marriage. However, be mindful that physical intimacy is such an easy trap to fall into and the enemies favorite way to separate two people who are glorifying God and will bring honor to God’s name as they grow as a couple.  God loves to see a couple who is actively seeking Him and is seeking to love each other the way Christ loves the church. And guess what, the enemy hates it and will use your insecurities and weaknesses to try to tear that apart. 

So, take your relationship weaknesses into consideration as well.  Don’t think that you need an exact time frame for dating if you are receiving wise counsel and have all of the right things in line in your relationship.  

Be patient, something I am working on, and work on being still and listening to God in a time of waiting.  Also know we as humans are not meant to live in a state between living with our families and marriage.  

If you agree with me in this post, make sure the person you are interested in dating seriously is on the same page and they are ready for a relationship with this kind of understanding about dating and marriage.  Ready to go with the flow of where your relationship may lead.

I advise you to be careful and not put yourself in a situation where you are feeling frustrated with the person you are dating, because they are not on the same page as you. Communication is so very important in any relationship you have in your life.  That includes your boyfriend/girlfriend, but most importantly with God.

We live to glorify God, bringing in a community of believers and being open to hearing Him speak into your relationship will help you through the in-between in your relationships.

Leave a comment below, what are your thoughts on marriage?  Is there a certain amount of time you want to wait before entering an engagement/marriage?

With love,

Mattie

 

Related:

Community! What I Used to Believe and Why I Have Changed my Mind

The Stages of Dating: Data Collecting

Putting Time Into the Correct Relationship

 

The Devil’s Deception of Aloneness

My brother/sister in Christ, you are not in this alone. 

As humans, many of us are frightened and ashamed to not know what we are doing.  Why is this?  Why is it that we are often fearful to ask for help and guidance, and reveal our deepest thoughts with another when we are devoid of direction?  We assume that the people around us expect perfection. Perfect actions, thoughts, intentions. It is so easy to listen to this deception, and hole up inside oneself, afraid to show the parts of our hearts that are buried and darkened by the fall.  

It is scary to sit down in front of someone and tell them your deepest darkest sins.  I know it makes me feel like I’m going to throw up, but I also know it is so worth it. My overthinking brain goes into every possible bad situation and negative reaction that I know I could get from the person I am confessing to.  I think they will shame me, not understanding my sins, tell me I am not a “good” Christian, girlfriend, sister, daughter, etc. Yet every time, without fail, I am welcomed with open arms, encouragement, and love.  

Unfortunately, we will always be plagued by sin.  We will always have idols in our hearts that we will continually have to battle because we are sinful beings.  It is heavy, scary, and feels hopeless to think about this darkness that resides in our hearts.  

Unless…one remembers that we have hope.  We have love, forgiveness, and mercy by a perfect creator who adores us.  

There was a time in my life when I would have read the above statements and thought to myself- whoever is writing this, does not know about true sorrow, hurt, and sin, because if they did they would not have hope like this.  They would know that sin is a never-ending cycle.

Sin IS a cycle and we together will always fail God and each other, however, there is hope.  There is redemption no matter how great our sins. Yes, we will one day be held accountable for our sins in heaven. Followers of Christ do not get a free pass any more than anyone else.  However, the major difference between someone who follows Christ and someone who doesn’t is that instead of just knowing and accepting the evil in our hearts, we should be making it a lifelong mission to confront our sin.  We know of God’s goodness, so we have hope.  

We find strength, hope, and rest in the Lord.  We know of God’s forgiveness so we can, therefore, know that forgiveness and mercy will be given to us by our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.  They are being stewarded by the Holy Spirit and will have compassion and understanding in their hearts for you. Thank God for that!  

The path towards understanding and combating your sin is by utilizing your friends and family within your community to help you.  

If you are feeling shame and doubt keeping you from sharing your life, it is because Satan wants to use your guilt to pull you away from God. In turn, this prevents you from growing with your brothers and sisters. Do not be afraid of feeling like you don’t know what you are doing.  Really, none of us do. Some people have been actively pursuing Christ for a longer time and therefore may have already defeated some of the sins you are currently battling.  They may have insight and a plan that they can help you set in place in order to tackle what demands to be confronted. Even more, they can be active in your pursuit of Godliness and can bring you into their prayer life so that you are battling the enemy- together. 

Let us be convicted by our sin and know that those who are seeking God in their daily lives will be loving and will help us walk through whatever we are going through.  If you don’t have a community around you, I encourage you to find a community wherever you are. Bringing our sin to light and making a plan is so important in spiritual growth.  Let’s not let the enemy pour into our thoughts and make us afraid of sharing our daily battles with confidants. 

God is greater than our fear of being judged because of our imperfections!  

When all else fails, remember that our God is greater and He loves you immensely.

With love,

Mattie

Community! What I Used to Believe and Why I Have Changed my Mind

Good morning everyone!  As we begin this semester, I can’t help but look around and take a look at all of the people I have around me that support and love me.  All from the wonderful church community that I have where I am blessed to live. 

Here is the deal, I used to have no idea what the word community meant.  Even more, I didn’t understand why every Christian I met was always talking about it. 

I would see people post a picture with a group of church friends with a caption about how much they appreciate their community.  Then I would have a conversation with a good friend who was trying to get me to come to church and talking about how great community had been in their life. 

What I used to believe, is that those Christians who were active in their church and spent time fellowshipping, serving, and worshiping together, were actually just attention seekers.  I thought that they desperately wanted a long list of names that they could call friends.  

Until I myself finally got plugged into a church community.  Since then, I have reaped the benefits and begun to understand with the help of the mentors and friends around me what living the Christian life is supposed to look like. 

If you didn’t grow up in a church, it is so easy to not understand the way that we have to change our hearts and focus our motives to glorify God in our daily lives.  It becomes a habit to read secular voices on social media that are claiming to be coming from a Christian heart when they are actually extremely unbiblical. Without the guidance of the community, it is so much harder to be able to distinguish a biblical voice from a secular one.  It is hard enough even with the community!

Before finding a church, I did not have; women mentors, couple mentors in my dating relationship, accountability partners, and people to share my biblical studies and prayer life with.  I am not sure how I functioned without all of this loving, godly support in my life.

What is even more important than the ways I have been supported and seen my own faith grow, is what we can be doing for our church and community in our cities.  It is so important to pour into the lives of people in our lives as children of God. We are meant to do this with other people. The power that a group of people who love Jesus, and therefore others, can bring to a town is one of the highest callings that we have.  

As Christians, we are not meant to go through our faith alone.  We desperately need the support that God provides through the community to resist the devil and the natural draw that we have as sinful humans towards earthly pleasures.  

Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him-a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

In Ecclesiastes, it is written as clear as day.  You need other people in your life in order to build one another up in love and encouragement.  

We are meant to be a community of people living for God! Not a single person of God.

 

With love,

Mattie

 

Related:

My Personal Growth With The Lord

Letting Your Friends Know You Are There For Them

 

Is Hillsong Teaching a Secular Version of the Gospel?

Hey, y’all!

I had the awesome experience a few weeks ago to see Hillsong, Elevation Worship, and Casting Crowns with a couple of friends in Tulsa.  The concert was so amazing and I felt blessed to be able to be in a room with hundreds of people praising and worshiping our amazing God.

As I sat there listening to the little bit of discussion that each band had in between songs, I couldn’t help but feel a little scared.

Yeah, that’s right, scared.  No, I don’t know the relationship that these bands have with God on an intimate level.  All we really know is what we can see and hear because we can’t see into their hearts.

However, one thing I did notice about both Hillsong and Elevation Worship, is that they really seemed to make Christianity about what God can do for us, not about what we should be striving to do for our almighty God.  When you are a group with the ability to influence hundreds of people’s mindsets in a room, it is important to remind people of the truth of the gospel.  

While it is comforting to hear over and over that we are loved, not forsaken, treasured, etc, it is also not what being a Christian completely entails.  Being a Christian and putting our faith and trust in Jesus Christ is about a lot more than that. This is why it makes me nervous to hear a group of people as influential as Hillsong talking about what God is doing for us throughout 90% of a concert.  They are playing into the very societal idea that if you become a Christian, then God will provide us with wealth, material possessions, worldly goals, and an easy life.  

We should be praising and excited about everything that He does for us though we are not worthy.  For the sins He has washed away and the reconciliation He has brought us.  But we are also not just here to be focused on what God can do for us, but focused on who God is and how we can dedicate our lives to Him.

Now, I realize that this is a lot simpler to say than to make conscious decisions every day to give our lives to Him.  To make these decisions is one of the greatest struggles for many Christians. We must together make choices to deny ourselves and love others for Him.

It is remarkably easy if you are someone like Hillsong to get on stage and decide to focus on what God is doing for us because it’s effortless for many Christians.  If someone who is not Christian hears about all the amazing things that God can, will, and has done for those He loves, why wouldn’t they praise Him? One important thing that people forget to mention when they are sharing the gospel is that being a Christian is not just about loving God and appreciating what He does for us, but also about giving up ourselves for Him.  Completely.

Jesus was the only perfect being.  So we will fail again and again in this world.  Day after day. But that’s why Jesus took up the cross for us.

For us!  How exciting is that?!

So yes, it is important to recognize and celebrate Jesus’ sacrifice, but it is also important when you have an abundance of power over hundreds of people that you make it clear that being a Christian is also about giving up ourselves for Him and being selfless- not self-serving in our actions and mindset.

Living for God is not light-hearted.  It isn’t easy. The word of God is not something you share without being meticulous with your words.

To be frank, I really like Hillsong’s music.  We have to share the sweet stuff about the gospel, but also the tough stuff.  Again, it is a lot easier to say this than to live it out- but I believe it is an important decision to consciously lead people towards the truth when you are in a place of power.  The truth that God is the way. He is the light, which comes with the price of living with the understanding that we will not be loved by the world because Satan is here to try to defeat us.

But he won’t- we know how the story ends.

With love,

Mattie

 

Ps. Please leave a comment with your thoughts!  Do you think Hillsong is using their voice correctly?

Merry Christmas!!!

 

Related:

What Is Your Golden Calf?

Be Strong, Be Independent, Be Empowered

He Always Comes Through

And God Remembered His Covenant

 

What Is Your Golden Calf?

Hey guys, 

Finals are finally over!  Whoop whoop!

I struggled through mine.  I mean really struggled.  The past couple of weeks I have found myself putting way too much of my heart and soul into things of this world and I have allowed school to become an idol in my heart.

I have let my grades rule over the emotions, actions, and thoughts.  This has led to a heart heavy thinking about the destructive habits that we conform to as broken humans when we worship the things of this world.

We sin and repent.  A cycle begins as we then come back to the comfortability of our sins that have been our false hope, identity, and safety.

In Exodus 32, the Israelites worship and abandon God after He has shown his allegiance by periodically delivering them from the land of Egypt and further on their journey. They cry out to Aaron to craft a golden calf to worship. God says in verse 8 full of anger,

They have been quick to turn away from what I commanded them and have made themselves an idol cast in the shape of a calf. They have bowed down to it and sacrificed to it and have said. “These are your gods, Israel, who brought you up out of Egypt.”

We pick up and find comfort in our pride, greed, lust, anger, sexual immorality, idolatry, etc. again and again. We find a way to run from God as He calls out to us.

The story of the Israelites repeatedly turning to idols of this world brings me to tears when I sit and think about the sin and idolatry in my own life. Sins that I am ashamed of and have been hurt from. Idols that I am worshiping and relying on. Feelings that when I allow myself to dwell upon have left anguish, resentment, and detachment in my heart. It is quite arduous to admit- we are not complete, whole, or perfect and we all battle with weaknesses that our past selves never thought we would.

Every time I feel this, God draws me back. He calls out to me and reminds me that He adores me. He loves every single one of us and He deserves our adoration, love, and complete commitment to sacrificially living for Him alone. Not ourselves.  He deserves more than we could ever give him.

Let’s work together to break our cycles! Declare it in Jesus’ name, we will not be overcome because our hope and strength come from the Lord!

We are in a fierce battle to allow God to protect our hearts and souls.  This battle is won by putting on the armor of God every single day. It is won by regarding any slight decision in our lives that we are making without counsel as one that may cost us our souls.  

What are you running back to repeatedly in your life that you are placing before Jesus? What are you avoiding out of fear and shame because you do not want to brave that sin?

God sent Jesus to die for me. For you. For believers and unbelievers.

How wondrous is that? The enemy will be defeated and He will not let me feel shame or allow the enemy to reign in my heart.

Lord, thank you for bringing me and all of my brothers and sisters in Christ out of the darkness and into your mighty love. Thank you for your kindness, overwhelming love, and for being the keeper of our hearts. Forgive us for running back to the hurt and cycles in our lives that bring us temporary comfort, but will never fill what only you can. Give us the strength to overcome our cycles and equip us to grow in our faith a little more every time we turn away and run back to your open arms. You are good and you deserve all of our praise.

With love,

Mattie

The Stages of Dating: Data Collecting

Good afternoon everyone!

I had a conversation last week with a friend who has recently become a confidant and a great friend to me.  She was stressing about meeting up with someone for coffee who she barely knew. The man she was meeting did not make it clear that what they were doing was a date and he didn’t clarify what his intentions were or if he was even interested.  

This caused my friend to be unsure of where the relationship was going.  I assured her that she need not stress about just going to grab coffee with someone.  This naturally lead into a conversation about what dating is.  

Honestly, what is dating?  Why is there so much pressure and unease when one hears the word “date”?  I believe it is because of a lack of communication.  

So I began to think.  When I go on dates, I don’t necessarily sit down and draw out a map of where this person and I are in our relationship.  But subconsciously, I organize what the meaning behind our hang-outs are.  

That is when I began brainstorming about what the levels of dating are.  These are going to be different from person to person, and there are quite detailed, drawn-out, and organized.  Really, you should not be analyzing every step of the way with your relationships, they should flow naturally.  

However, I hope this gives anyone who isn’t very comfortable with dating a general idea of how I break down the process. 

Disclaimer: These are my opinions on dating.  Read this, and then make your own decisions on what dating should look like for you.  Everyone’s dating life will be different because everyone has different emotions and seasons that they are at in their life!  Prayer is the most important thing that will support and help you be guided by the holy spirit while dating.  

As I have spent time as a single dating in a pro-couple world, I have intentionally observed the interactions between individuals around me.  You can watch an individual’s eye, mouth, arm movements, breathing patterns, etc, and be able to understand a little bit how they feel about the company around them.

Dating begins this.  By observing the way someone reacts and interacts with the people around them.  

When you go on a first date, it is kind of exciting, isn’t it?  When you get asked pointedly and very clearly: 

Hey, would you like to go out for coffee sometime?  I really have enjoyed getting to know you and would like to pursue a potential romantic relationship with you.  

Okay, maybe that is a bit wordy, but that is the gist behind the intentions of what dating someone looks like. 

What many people tend to ignore, are the stages between exclusively dating someone and just beginning to get to know someone.  I believe that a great term that should be used for dating, that I heard from a great podcast (Simplify Complexity), is Data Collecting.  

Think about those words put together for a second.  Another way to word this would be- gathering attributes, qualities, and understanding the inner workings of another individual.  

This is what I believe dating is.  It begins with getting to know someone, typically in a group setting and then potentially progressing to exclusively dating.  Dating is a means to two ends- either breaking up or continuing a relationship potentially towards marriage, and I will talk about this more in number 4.  Here are the stages of dating that I have always seen as telltale ways to figure out where you stand with another individual and where I think it is important to clarify these lines so that you do not have confusion between one another: 

1. Eyeing
   • Eyeing begins for me, typically in a group setting.  At church gatherings, friends’ parties, etc. Anywhere where you have the opportunity to observe an individual from afar as they interact with other people.  You are beginning to see how this person conducts themselves on a public level. Maybe you observe their interactions with others and think to yourself, this could be someone I am interested in getting to know on a deeper level.  
2. Data-collecting friends
   • This is a stage that I think is very important for people to understand that there is not yet a mutual understanding of the intentions of a romantic relationship.  Maybe in the back of your mind, you know you are interested. You have been eyeing, talking to friends of this person you are hanging out with. But you are not yet “talking” as many people would say.  This step is important to distinguish that you are just friends hanging out. You are getting to know the other person but as friends. Watching how they react to waiters when you both are craving the local Italian place and decide to grab a bite to eat.  Observing their interactions with challenging people who don’t think or act like them. Talking about their faith and discovering where they are in their walk with the Lord.  
3. Data-collecting friends with a clear understanding of romantic intentions 
   • With this one, we have to be careful to guard our hearts and not move on to this stage too fast.  This is the point where it should become obvious- we are friends but I am perhaps interested in a future relationship with you.   It means hanging out one on one, probably in public settings so that you are not tempted to get too emotionally close.  
   • I thoroughly believe in being friends with a person before you decide to date them.  What I like to consider this stage are intentional hangouts. You need to be able to understand how they are when they are more comfortable.  Even if we try not to, most people will act differently if they are hanging out with someone who they are interested in and knows the other person is interested as well.  We naturally will hide things that embarrass us or only show our best selves. If you let the relationship grow naturally- you will be more comfortable with the end result.  
     • However, the important thing between data-collecting friends and friends with romantic intentions is that you have to be clear where your intentions lie.  If not, it could be easy to get caught up in the comfortability of a friendship, even though you are really in more of a romantic relationship.  This can lead to hurt on both ends of the relationship when feelings and intentions are not defined. Keep this in mind before you get too far into a relationship and realize you are leading someone towards a relationship. Especially when you do not intend on committing which could lead to you both having feelings and habits that are too hard to break.
4. Dating 
   • This is the next step- the one that I feel people make a bigger deal than it is.  So when you go on dates, what should you be keeping in mind? 
     • You are opening up your eyes to the possibility of the future spouse and what qualities you would like to see in that spouse.  
       • Not that you should enter every date thinking- what if I marry this person.  But you should think, am I wasting my time and this other person hanging out when we have different important beliefs.  
         • One thing about dating is that you are looking for your future husband/wife.  You should be observing the qualities with the person you are hanging out with and seeing if they are in line with the Bible’s description of a spouse and in line with the qualities you want out of a spouse.  You want to know what their personal relationship with Christ is and if they are continually seeking to increase their knowledge of the Bible and encompass the attributes of Christ while he was on this earth.  
     • This person is still just another human being trying to get to know you and see if a relationship between the two of you could be successful and glorify God.  There is no need to be nervous to the point that you are not going to have fun. There is no point treating them like someone who you can’t share information with because of a stigma to only share things that will make you look good.  
     • There is no commitment at this point.  Let’s say you skipped steps 2 and 3, maybe you saw someone at church or local events and decided that you want to go on a date with this person and you made it very clear that you were asking them on a date.  You can go on one of two dates with a person, and then decide that hanging out with them is not going to be the best thing for you, them, your relationship with God, the people around you, etc! There is nothing wrong with going on dates and learning things about a person that makes you realize they would not be a good future spouse.  It is better to clearly end something early if you know you are no longer interested instead of dragging someone along and hurting them.
5. Dating exclusively 
   • Finally, there is dating exclusively.  Very few times do I get to this stage with anyone.  Why? Because who you are exclusively dating is very important!  This is someone you want to spend a lot of time with. The person you want to grow emotionally and spiritually with.  You want to build each other up and glorify God in your actions as a couple.  As boyfriend and girlfriend and maybe one day something more.  If you cannot see yourself getting married sometime in the next couple of years, you are not ready for exclusive dating.  This is where I know I personally am more at risk of giving too much of my heart to someone. It is still so important to guard your heart and constantly be praying that God uses your relationship to grow with each other.  

I know a lot of people who believe that you cannot hang out one on one with someone of the opposite sex because it is misleading and will lead to emotions on both ends.  If you are the kind of person who believes that hanging out with the opposite sex will automatically lead to romantic feelings- then maybe dating like this isn’t for you.  I have always had guy friends and I have never fallen in love just because they are a guy…and I am a girl…hanging out alone. MY emotions don’t work that way but that doesn’t mean that everyone elses don’t.  

Now let me be clear- by alone I mean going to grab a coffee to chat, studying together, going to the movie theatre, hanging out after a church event, etc.  I do not mean alone as in, cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. I would not do that with just a guy friend.  

I believe that communication is key– ha, how many times have you heard that one from me- to any successful relationship.  That is what these steps are all about!  Understanding and successfully communicating your relationship in a way that may look something like this:

Hey- here are my feelings and here is what I have felt God speaking to me about.  What is your understanding and are your intentions in our relationship?

This is how you have a successful relationship.  

• Guarding your heart.  
• Communicating well with the person you are interested in.  
• Knowing the person to the point that you know if they are someone who could potentially be a future spouse.  
• Trusting God with your relationships.

And this doesn’t just mean communication with the person of interest, but even more importantly communication with God.  Constantly praying for this person and your relationship can be the difference between being led by false feelings into a toxic relationship or following the path towards a healthy and successful relationship that is God-ordained. 

While all of these steps are important to think about when you start dating- it is absolutely a must to make sure you are trusting God and listening to His guidance.  

Don’t start dating if you have feelings for an ex.  Don’t date if you have felt God telling you that you are still in your season of singleness.  Don’t start dating to fill a hole that only God can fill.  

Pray and seek sage wisdom from the people around you who will be able to give you godly advice.  Don’t make dating scary! In my opinion, it is supposed to be fun, exciting, and loving.

 

With love,

Mattie

Related:

Texting! Don’t Let It Smother The Fire In Your Relationship

My Dating App Experience: 4 Things I’ve Learned

4 Things Not To Do With Your Phone While On a Date

We are Highkey Spoiled Americans

We are living in a day and age in the United States where we have the accessibility and opportunities to freely share our thoughts and express our emotions on a multitude of public platforms.  

Is this something that you think about when you casually wake up on Sunday morning and drive to church without fear that you will be prosecuted?  Or when you share a post on facebook in seconds that has vulgar language, bashing a political party that is not yours? 

I know I don’t.  I don’t stop to think about what dangerous consequences I could be bringing upon myself.  

We can highkey be spoiled Americans.  And you know what, I did not fully understand that until I experienced life outside of the states.

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Everyone tells you that when you study abroad you will gain a better world view and the experiences you have will change your life.  I thought, “yeah, yeah whatever I guess I will see things differently”.

It wasn’t until I got back and realized how much that we as Americans are blessed with, that I began to understand this very important truth about traveling:  traveling absolutely does change the way you see the world.

I remember walking down the Champs Elysees on our first night in Paris, absolutely annoyed that my friends and I could not find a bathroom.

The first restaurant we stopped in, we strolled in and spotted the sign for the bathroom in the back of the restaurant and headed towards it- trying to act cool and not like we had not been holding it for far too long.  Immediately the bartender began yelling at us in French, stopping us in our tracks. We had no idea what he was saying and we had to grab our friend who speaks French (thank goodness we had Mack) to help us translate. We then began to understand that we had to pay to use the bathroom.  The french man was so mad at us for trying to use the bathroom without paying. Like how dare we….need to pee???

We began hopping from store to store butchering the french language pronouncing our one-word saving grace- “toilette”.

I couldn’t believe that we had to pay to go to the bathroom everywhere.  It felt absurd, as I am used to stopping at the local Starbucks, QT, or whatever is in sight to use the bathroom…for guess what…free!

After our first rude encounter with the Persians, I began to notice the things that we as Americans take for granted.  Something as simple as paying a couple of cents to go to the bathroom could mean that someone with less then us would have to walk miles for a bathroom.

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And then I began to see on a deeper level how spoiled we are when it comes to our freedom of more than just bathrooms- but also things that define who we are.  Things like religion. Of course, there are parts of the United States where there are major roadblocks and persecution for those who wish to express their religious and political beliefs.  The hate and bigotry over these issues is tearing our country apart.

For the most part, however, Americans are able to freely share their opinions.  We can practice whatever religion we want. We hold the power to tweet hideous hateful things without fear of repercussions.

Last week I spoke with a friend from India.  She brought up experiences from her own childhood that helped me understand how different even things such as school systems are.  

From my understanding, in India children with even the most common disabilities are sent to go to school separate from public schools so that they do not disturb the general public.  Even a child with something as slight as ADHD would be separated in school and would, therefore, grow up without the social interaction of being around people that are different from them.  

While my friend explained that this system has progressively gotten better, there is still stigma and isolation for students with disabilities in India and many other eastern countries.

We take this for granted.  Schooling, housing, freedom of speech, religion, and hospitality are so different in every part of the world.  

Instead of spreading hate on social media and in our lives, we must remember that we are so blessed to be able to share our thoughts with the people around us.  Think about all of the people out there who are not able to- and let us as a community make a better effort to use platforms like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram for good. While there is a lot of hate and issues with corrupt systems in the states, we are also so blessed.

Let’s be better worldwide citizens. Let’s remember those who do not have the freedoms that we do and appreciate that freedom by spreading positivity, love, and hope.  If we love Jesus Christ and are dedicated to him we also must, and should want to, show empathy and love towards our neighbors. 

 

With love,

Mattie

 

Related:

Tips for Traveling in a Foreign Country As a Newbie Traveler

Paris, the City of Lights, Pickpockets, and Undercover Cops: Part One

 Dear Christians

 

 

 

 

Be Strong, Be Independent, Be Empowered

Be strong ladies and gentlemen.  Be independent.  Be bold.  Be Empowered.  Be Brave.

When you are living this life for the one true God, you cannot be afraid of sharing His love with those who you come in contact with.

Here are some thoughts I have had on my mind the past few weeks that we must work on together to be careful of misinterpreting:

We are called to be independent.  But we are called to be independent of the world, not of Christ.

We must still be dependent on Him.

We are called to be strong.  But we do not have our own strength because our strength comes from the Lord and the Lord alone.

We must follow Him and ask that he gives us the strength to fight the enemy and actively seek the company of a christ-centered body that we can all draw strength from.

We are called to be bold.  But not bold for ourselves, bold for Christ.

Be bold.  Share, explore, and learn with every opportunity.

Be bold, strong, independent, and keep God the focus of your life.  I know some days it is hard.  It would be so much easier to run to our earthly comforts, but it is so worth the reward and Jesus is worth the cost.

 

With love,

Mattie